My dad used to give me a lot of advice. He was always trying to get me to learn from his mistakes so I wouldn’t have to make the same ones. “Wouldn’t that be easier?” he’d ask.
And honestly, yes, it would have been easier. But I wouldn’t have learned how to solve problems for myself. I wouldn’t have built the confidence that comes from untangling a challenge on your own.
As leaders, we constantly fall into this same “Dad trap.” We see a team member struggling, we know the answer, and our instinct is to jump in and save the day. It feels more efficient. It feels helpful. But it’s a trap.
When we give someone the “right” solution, it isn’t truly theirs. Their understanding is superficial, and the change rarely sticks.
The Brain Science of the “Aha!” Moment
This isn’t just a fuzzy leadership theory; it’s backed by neuroscience. When you solve a problem yourself—when you have that genuine “aha!” moment—your brain releases a rush of chemicals that create a positive feedback loop. (see The Neuroscience of Leadership by David Rock and Jeffrey Schwartz)
That self-generated insight literally helps rewire your brain, making the lesson stick in a way that secondhand advice never could. Handing someone the answer robs them of that powerful chemical and cognitive process. The challenge for leaders is to stop being the hero and start empowering their team to find their own “aha!” moments.
A Simple Framework for Coaching, Not Telling
So how do you shift from giving answers to building problem-solvers?
1. Lead with Curiosity, Not Answers Instead of giving directions, ask powerful, open-ended questions. Start with phrases like “What have you tried so far?” “How could you approach this differently?” or “Tell me more about the challenge.” These open the door to exploration. (Pro-tip: Be careful with “Why?” questions. They can sometimes put people on the defensive and shut down the conversation.)
2. Embrace the Awkward Pause This one is tough. When you ask a great question, your instinct might be to fill the silence if they don’t answer immediately. Resist. Give them space to think. Real insight happens in the quiet moments. Your silence is an invitation for their brain to get to work.
3. Land the Learning At the end of a coaching conversation, resist the urge to summarize for them. Instead, turn it back to them. Ask, “What’s your key takeaway from this?” or “What’s your next move based on our chat?” This moment of reflection is critical for them to internalize the insight and translate it into concrete action.
While it’s tempting to share your hard-won wisdom, your true role as a leader is to build a team of independent, confident problem-solvers. By asking great questions, getting comfortable with silence, and creating space for reflection, you empower your people to not just find the right answer this time, but to build the skills to find it every time.
Many years later, I think that it would have been so much easier to just listen to my dad and not make some of the same mistakes he made. But then, I really wouldn’t have learned what I needed to solve problems on my own and grow my skills to become a confident and independent adult.
The leader’s challenge is like my dad’s. When employees are given advice, or the ‘right’ solution, it isn’t their own. And when it’s not your own, you find that your understanding of it may be superficial and making the changes to implement it often fall short.